I was considering what to write about this week and a few things came to mind--the Archetype of the Male therapist that Dossie and I have been exploring, my impressions of Internal Family Systems training so far, something about shopping for therapists, and the interesting idea of time dilation. These are all topics that I would like to explore though in the end I was inspired by two recent things in my life: the first was presenting a well-received training at HAPS on "Understanding Open Relationships in a Clinical Context" and the second was listening to the recent Poly Weekly podcast “The Joys of Sexting” with Cunning Minx.

Two of the things that I liked from my presentation are the idea that everyone is a little bit poly and that I helped introduce some of the language, both old and new, that has sprung up around open relationships. And listening to Cunning Minx helped crystalize some thoughts for me that I would like to share. If you have not had a chance, her easygoing style and willingness to engage all sorts of topics is refreshing. It can be a good listen for all, not just those interested in talking and hearing about open relationships.

"What's that you say, Joe?! Everyone is poly! No, not me, I could never be poly, I am too jealous, I get everything I need from the one person in my life!" No, that's not what I mean. What I mean is that everyone is a little poly-amorous. (Yes, polyamory is, to some people, a clunky word bringing together of a Greek term and a Latin term.) Everyone is capable of loving many people, many things, and many activites. No, I am not implying that open relationships are for everyone. What I am implying that there are challenges (and benefits) in open relationships that can be compared to challenges (and benefits) in all relationships.

Consider this as an example: your partner is a performer, say, a ballet dancer. This activity takes time, energy, passion, maybe travel, maybe money. There are times that you may be jealous, envious (I see them as different, by the way!), lonely, frustrated as well as happy, supportive, excited, and energized. Likewise, if you partner runs a business, the business may compete for some of those same resources of time, energy, and passion.

I think it is easy to draw a comparison between these two situations and being in a open relationship. Granted, as I have said before, there is no one "open relationship" to which to compare. I am generalizing, using an example of being in a stable dyad with one or the other or both people having someone intimate in their life outside of that dyad. Having another person in your life can consume a lot of the same things.

When I asked how the above were different, one participant in the training noted that, in the open relationship, it is possible that some of the same wants and needs may end up being met by more than one person where this is less the case with the ballet dancer or the business owner. This can be an asset and a challenge. If your partner is working or going to school in another city and has a local person, they may have someone close by to help them through times when the going gets rough. And, this idea may be threatening to the far away partner. To this, I can add that the open relationship often involves emotional or physical intimacy and that can be a challenging aspect that may not come up in the other examples.

One of the links between this and the Poly Weekly podcast is that Minx's topic this week had to do with whether or not "sexting" is cheating. Likewise, she wondered if flirting, viewing porn, or other sexually oriented activities may or may not be considered cheating. I also thought about the idea that, in serial monogamy, the next partner is frequently chosen before the previous partner is gone. While, in theory, monogamous, there is often overlap which implies that the person changing partners was looking. Things brings up the issue of boundaries and where energy goes as well as what do people choose to hide or reveal.

These add a level of nuance and complication to relationships, open or closed, and raise a lot of questions: How do you set your boundaries? What is OK and what is not OK? What do you choose to reveal and choose to hide and for what reasons? Where and how do you spend your energy, whether it is with activities or with people? Are some of the activities or people present to help distract you from something that is going on in your life? Are they distracting you and you don't know it? I believe most people are capable of becoming whelmed or overwhelmed by these things and I believe most people are capable of creating and maintaining boundaries with activities and with people.

The second connection was about language. I introduced some open relationship language in my training and Cunning Minx uses the same language in her podcasts. Two of my favorite terms in the open relationship community are compersion and metamour.

I like Wikipedia's definition of compersion as the "state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individual's current or former romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest. This can be experienced as any form of erotic or emotional empathy, depending on the person experiencing the emotion." A metamour is that other person; your partner's other person is your metamour. I love to see language evolve and grow to address different concepts.

What terms have you heard that are new to you or are juicy and exciting that relate to relationships generally and open relationships specifically?