A Consideration of Sex, Love, and Intimacy at
Burning Man (and in Life)

People who hear that I attend Burning Man often ask me, “What is Burning Man?” In the end, Burning Man is what it is for each individual—a big art show, an intentional community, an 8-day-long rave, a rite of passage—and, in the end, each participant creates the experience for themselves and for others. One thing that Burning Man is for me is a chance to connect with new people. The concentration of people that come together for 8 days in the Black Rock Desert presents a unique opportunity to make lasting connections that span the world.

Some have wondered how to bring the Burning Man experience home for the other 51 weeks of the year. I was recently thinking about this and I realized that the Ten Principles that frame Burning Man are a great lens through which to view connection, including sex, love, and intimacy. They provide one framework from which to approach life. These principles can shape not only Burning Man but also our everyday lives.

Below I have listed the Burning Man Ten Principles in bold and I have included The Burning Man Project’s explanation of each principle. After each, in italic, I have included my interpretation of each principle in light of connection, sex, love, and intimacy on and off of the playa. At the end, I have added a few anecdotes that I believe illustrate using the Ten Principles with interpersonal connections.

Ten Principles

Radical Inclusion

Anyone may be a part of Burning Man. We welcome and respect the stranger. No prerequisites exist for participation in our community.

Let go of stereotypes and preferences, be open to the opportunities presented to you. Rather than excluding or including people categorically, see people as individuals.

Gifting

Burning Man is devoted to acts of gift giving. The value of a gift is unconditional. Gifting does not contemplate a return or an exchange for something of equal value.

Let go of currency in your interactions. Rather than thinking, “What is in this for me?” give of yourself freely and without condition where possible. Accept what others give without condition as well.

Decommodification

In order to preserve the spirit of gifting, our community seeks to create social environments that are unmediated by commercial sponsorships, transactions, or advertising. We stand ready to protect our culture from such exploitation. We resist the substitution of consumption for participatory experience.

Look at yourself and consider the questions, “How do I identify myself?” and “How do others identify me?” and “How do I identify others?” Keeping these labels in mind, consider letting go of the roles and labels to which you may tightly cling. See people for who they are.

Radical Self-reliance

Burning Man encourages the individual to discover, exercise and rely on his or her inner resources.

Be prepared! Even if you doubt you will be intimate, if there is there is any chance, have the proper supplies. Prepare yourself mentally: Is this an exercise in saying, “No, thank you . . .” or “Yes, and I would like . . .” What are your self-care practices? If things go badly or go well, who will you tell? Who (or what) comprises your support system?

Radical Self-expression

Radical self-expression arises from the unique gifts of the individual. No one other than the individual or a collaborating group can determine its content. It is offered as a gift to others. In this spirit, the giver should respect the rights and liberties of the recipient.

Look inside of yourself and consider, “What part of me would I like to express?” Are there ways you can stretch your comfort zones and boundaries while also being respectful of the comfort zones and boundaries of others?

Communal Effort

Our community values creative cooperation and collaboration. We strive to produce, promote and protect social networks, public spaces, works of art, and methods of communication that support such interaction.

Consider how you can reach out to your community in a way that feels safe and comfortable for you. Perhaps this is eye contact or saying “hello” or smiling or offering a gift or service that makes a connection. Likewise, be mindful of those who reach out to you. They may be challenged in connecting with you. Consider how you respond to them.

Civic Responsibility

We value civil society. Community members who organize events should assume responsibility for public welfare and endeavor to communicate civic responsibilities to participants. They must also assume responsibility for conducting events in accordance with local, state and federal laws.

Consider your own boundaries and know the conventions of the communities in which you operate. While promoting radical self-expression, also recognize the limits and boundaries of others. What impact does your behavior have on others and is that impact consensual?

Leaving No Trace

Our community respects the environment. We are committed to leaving no physical trace of our activities wherever we gather. We clean up after ourselves and endeavor, whenever possible, to leave such places in a better state than when we found them.

Consider your impact on the social and emotional environments as well as physical environment. Everyone has emotional baggage that can be positive or negative. If you take it with you, bring it home. You may also be able to let your baggage go, though don’t litter, physically or emotionally! Are there experiences that you can reclaim or recycle? Be mindful of picking up the burdens of others as well as passing on your burdens.

Participation

Our community is committed to a radically participatory ethic. We believe that transformative change, whether in the individual or in society, can occur only through the medium of deeply personal participation. We achieve being through doing. Everyone is invited to work. Everyone is invited to play. We make the world real through actions that open the heart.

Consider your role in events. How do you add to the experience? Be open to trying new things with an open heart and mind yet also be mindful your own capabilities, boundaries, and limits.

Immediacy

Immediate experience is, in many ways, the most important touchstone of value in our culture. We seek to overcome barriers that stand between us and a recognition of our inner selves, the reality of those around us, participation in society, and contact with a natural world exceeding human powers. No idea can substitute for this experience.

Consider being in the moment. Much depression comes from dwelling on the past that we can’t change, much anxiety comes from worrying about the future we can’t control. Being in the present moment offers us the chance to participate fully, to see opportunities as they arise.

Last year, my act of gifting at Burning Man was to be the Playa Wish Fairy. I offered to hear the wishes of participants or to witness the participant making the wish even if it was not stated out loud. I promised to do my best to fulfill the wishes though I could not make a guarantee. For the unstated wishes, I promised to consider them and hope for their fulfillment. Some of the stated wishes were for objects—a patch, a button, a cold drink—and some were for service: “Can you find out if so-and-so is available?” “I’d like a massage!” “What’s my future concerning this event that is important to me?” These I tried to personally fulfill or find others to fulfill them.

In the end, my goal was to facilitate participants stating their wishes, whether it was to me or to themselves. In a lot of cases, participants ended up fulfilling their wishes on their own. Once they had stated the wish, it was easier to go out and get or do the thing for which they had wished. The other message was that it is OK to have wants and needs and it can be great to have them witnessed.

This was also an opportunity for me to connect with strangers, something that I find to be a challenge. By creating a context I found it easier to overcome what some might call shyness and others might call avoiding risk by not opening myself to others. In this way being the Wish Fairy has been a gift to others and a gift to myself.

Another example of connection using the Ten Principles involved an annual event I attend with a large group of friends and friends-of-friends. It’s a group of people of varied talents and backgrounds, some of whom can come across as intimidating and, it turns out, unintentionally so. The last time I attended this event, I had the idea to make some buttons that said, “I might be shy! Approach me!” I left the buttons out on a table with a brief explanation and they were a big hit. I saw many people wearing them throughout the event.

What struck me, though, was that I saw a lot of the people that I experienced as confident, outgoing, and maybe even intimidating wearing the buttons. The consequence of the buttons was not so much that the shy people were approached by the less shy people. Rather, the buttons leveled the playing field by naming the nearly universal experience of people being shy or being risk-averse. One person reported to me that wearing the button helped her. Since the button made clear that she might be shy, she found it easier to reach out to others where she might not have in the past.

I believe that the examples of the Wish Fairy and the buttons encompass some of the Burning Man Ten Principles (gifting, radical inclusion, immediacy, and participation, for example)and demonstrate how they can be kept in mind when connecting. The themes that jump out for me in connecting with others are context and commonality. The persona of the Wish Fairy and the gift of the buttons both create a context for connection, some common ground over which to connect. We sometimes seek out those who have traits that we like and traits to which we aspire though it may take a bridge to make the initial connection. Once we cross the bridge, we have the chance to explore more deeply.