thoughts about therapy

OpenSF & picking poly friendly professionals

Mon, 18 Jun 2012 18:52:10 -0700

On the weekend of June 8-10, I attended OpenSF in San Francisco, CA. The event was a wonderful gathering of a broad range of people. I saw people of color, gay, lesbian, and straight folk, trans- and cis- folk, older and younger folk, locals and visitors, polyamorists, swingers, newbies and experienced folk, all gathered to share and learn about open relationships. There were two keynotes, one I attended and one I did not, that touched upon the issues of race, class, privilege, and open relationships in the media. Many people were moved by Tristan Taormino's Sunday morning keynote that revealed more of her own personal journey and included a call to action for those with privilege to use that privilege for the good of all.
My Sunday morning session was titled "A Practical Primer for Picking Poly Friendly Professionals" and I want to recap it here. Over all, I think the session went well and I have learned ways to make it better for the next time. I conceived a session that covered both picking poly friendly professionals and coming out to and talking with current professionals. My focus was people in alternative lifestyles, professionals dealing with people in alternative lifestyles, and people supporting both of these groups. I was pleased to get some of all of these categories, sometimes overlapping, in the session.
To provide some framework for this topic, first I addressed the use of the term "poly". I used the term “poly” because “open relationships” is a mouthful. It was my intention to be inclusive of all forms of open relationships and open relationship like structures. By this I mean “polyamory”, “swinging”, “poly fidelity”, “don’t ask, don’t tell”, and “cheating” among others. I am not endorsing any one over the other. I am also not implying that cheating and open relationships are the same though they have some of the same inherent risks and challenges.
Next, I highlighted that I was not intending to cover a lot of new ground, rather, to make sure people know about the resources that are already available and to shed light on some things people may not have considered. I build on the work and experience of the LGBT community and on the kink community, both of which have been dealing with this for a while in a more direct way. I believe this experience is valuable and leveraging it helps the poly community by not having to "reinvent the wheel."
Though it may seem like common sense, I often say it: use your skills and practices from one area in many areas of your life. I love teaching people about using safewords in conversations in order to create a mutually acceptable break. Likewise, I like teaching everyone about elevator speeches. They are not just for job seekers or bosses! Why is this important? Well, in theory, talking to professionals is not something specific to people in open relationships. I think a lot of what I cover here applies to most people seeking out professionals and I hope to highlight the specifics as they relate to open relationships.
Based on this, I inquired: "How do you choose your professionals currently?" Using healthcare as an example, we identified possibilities ranging from not really choosing to not really believing there was a choice. The overall message, though, is that it is a good idea to interview all of your professionals. After all, if you want to work for them, they will interview you! (An aside, when in a job interview, as the interviewee, are you interviewing your potential employer?) It is also important to note that poly friendly professionals are not necessarily poly nor experts in poly and that is OK as long as they are open minded.
Next, we discussed when it is necessary to come out to your professionals. I offered that it is important, for example, in situations of healthcare, legal issues, psychotherapy, and extended child care like a doula or nanny. I had thought that coming out to a dentist would be less important though a participant noted that a dentist or dental hygienist may be someone who notices the symptoms of some sexually transmitted infections and may approach talking about these differently depending on their understanding of your relationship model. I greatly appreciated that feedback since it caught something I had missed. In terms of not coming out, there are lots of areas where you may not need to come out including home repair and services, a one-off baby sitter, or your eye doctor versus your general practitioner. Two overall guiding principles are how out you are already and how being out to this professional will impact the treatment or service you seek from them.
In terms of coming out, Lia Salsiccia Prusha wrote an article on finding poly friendly psychotherapists part of which focuses on detecting bias. She writes"
Wow do you detect bias? I think the open and brisk approach is always the best. Tell them about your sexual affiliations/relationship styles when you are interviewing them on the phone. Give a brief description or definition of what that means to you. And then just ask the question, “Does that conflict with your personal beliefs?” If yes, “Do you think that would interfere with your work with me?” Or, “In order for me to trust you, I need to feel that my therapist/professional accepts and will try to understand my lifestyle and work within it rather than to see it as evidence of a problem, or as the problem itself. I understand if you aren’t able to wrap your head around my lifestyle, but I just ask you to refer me to someone else if you think you might experience discomfort over this issue.”
I think this captures it in a nutshell and I could not say it better myself. She continues:
"What you will be listening or looking for is any discomfort on their part (stammering, sounding defensive) or outright statement of bias, “well it sounds like this other lover is your problem”. If someone tells you “I have never heard of this before, and I’m not sure what to think, but I have an open mind,” I don’t think that’s a dealbreaker at all. In fact, it might be an advantage in some cases NOT to have a therapist/professional who thinks they are an expert in polyamory issues, because those therapists might unwittingly have a bias towards what they think polyamory should look like.
I think it is important to use your body as a bias detector. Rely on your senses to inform you. What do you see, what do you hear, what to you feel when you get a response from a professional? Check in with your gut feeling then inquire based on what you find. To a great extent, the body does not lie. We can't control what we feel, we can control what we do about those feelings.
What are risks of being out? We touched on this some over the course of the discussion. There are currently no explicit legal proscriptions against open relationships that I know of, though I point out that California's Proposition 8 banning gay marriage states that marriage is between one man and one woman which some interpret as ruling out more varied marriages in the future. People in open relationships face some of the same challenges as those in kink relationships and LGBT community face. In terms of coming out, one suggestion I made in the session was to role play potentially challenging conversations with friends and peers with them taking a purposefully adversarial role so that if you get pushback and challenges, you are not a surprised.
What are some action steps you can take before facing these potential challenges? First, be prepared! Research your local area before you need the resources rather than when you in a potentially stressful situation and need to find resources. When it seems like you don’t have a choice, keep looking. You may need to travel or use phone or Skype consultation to get your needs met. It may be valuable to compose an “elevator speech” for your relationship status so that you are prepared to describe it to other people. If you need ideas, talk to your peers and check out the NCSF’s polyamory sound bites. It may be valuable to run your elevator speech by friends who are not in open relationships for their input.
Come up with questions to ask your professionals and memorize them, internalize them, or write them down if you need and bring them with you. Do what works for you! Bear in mind that your questions, how you word them and frame them, may lead to the professional being on the defensive or may help them be more receptive. This is what makes it important to think about the questions beforehand so that you don’t inadvertently get into “attack mode.” You may want to call the professionals you are approaching on the phone. This can give you a good initial read.
Here are some sample questions:
1. What are your credentials? / Do you belong to a professional organization?
2. Do I have access to your file/notes on me/my situation at any time?
3. Do you have a confidentiality disclosure statement?
4. Do you have referrals / references?
5. Have you dealt with people in open relationships / alternative lifestyles?
6. How many people have you seen with the same problem/issue as mine?
7. Do you have any thoughts or feelings regarding open relationships?
8. Will these thoughts and feelings impact you working with me?
9. Would you like information about my lifestyle?
10. If needed, can you make a referral?
It is important to come up with questions that work for you and your situation. Overall, it is best to integrate these practices so that they become comfortable and natural for you.
Here is a list of sites to find Poly Friendly Professionals
The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom’s Kink Aware Professionals
Planned Parenthood for alternative information and testing
Poly Friendly Professionals
Open List on Tristan Taormino’s site for Opening Up
Be mindful that these lists are not vetted or screened. The NCSF site does a good job of explaining the reasons for this and it is important to be an educated consumer. If you have a positive experience, share it. If you have a negative experience, let he maintainer of the list know.
To summarize, here are some things to remember:
1. Networking and referrals are your best resource
2. Educate yourself, educate your professionals
3. Decide what and when to disclose to whom
4. Caveat emptor – Let the buyer beware!
5. Share your resources

Here are some useful articles on finding poly friendly professionals:
Charlie Glickman writing about what psychology professionals need to know.
The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom resource library.
Geri Weitzman and Joy Davidson’s writing on what psychological professionals need to know combined and updated.
Cunning Minx writing about meeting with healthcare professionals and talking about alternative lifestyles.

The State of the Jungian

Tue, 3 Jan 2012 10:56:50 -0800

The turning of a new year is often a time for introspection, reflection, and looking ahead. (The daylight is growing slowly longer and the promise of spring is in the air. Living in San Francisco, the seasons are not quite so regular as they are in other climates though there are definite shifts that I have discovered and I notice rhythms more easily now.) I like to take some time to honor the change in year. For me, this includes considering what I've done in the previous year and what I plan to do in the coming year plus giving voice some of the rewards and challenges that I've faced. I want to be able to share my experiences and thoughts so that they might be helpful to others and that I might have them witnessed.
The last quarter of 2011 has flown by and recently I realized that I have not posted since October! I recognize that one challenge has been the desire to take on Big Topics (™): "Diving versus Falling in Love", "The Nature of Love", "Being a Man in the 21st Century", "Being a Male Therapist". Yeah, lightweight stuff to think and (try to) write about. For a while, writing 1000 words a week came easy though I find there are ways to make it more complex and challenging. One of these is to become attached to writing about a particular topic rather than writing about what flows well in the moment. Like any other strong attachment, I realize that I became distracted with the desire to do a particular thing rather than noticing the struggle and addressing that instead.
When I was in graduate school, I had a similar thing happen with a paper. I really wanted to write about a particular topic, I really wanted it to work and be great. And, with about a week to go, I still didn't have a paper. I was able to pull myself back from the topic I had wanted to write about and I instead wrote about that creative struggle. In the end, the paper I ended up with was more genuine, more from my own experience, and a good paper. My desire for this year is to try to write about what flows for me, what is important to me though what does not distract me from the act of creation to the extent that I don’t end up writing anything.
How might this be relevant to clients, I ponder? Sometimes it is easy to become attached to a particular thing--a person, a job, an activity, a practice. We can strive to do or get that thing and find ourselves frustrated along the way so that achieving what we would like to achieve becomes harder and harder. More specific examples include appearing eager to impress an interviewer or a date because, in your mind, you have decided that you need this job or this person. Rather than enthusiasm, it may come as desperation and may actually make you seem like a less desirable candidate in either case. Also, when trying to begin dieting or exercise, you can become so attached to particular goals or performance that you become frustrated when you don't meet the expectations you have set for yourself. This ties back into a previous post about setting credible goals and having intentions rather than expectations.
When I spoke to Dossie about this challenge with writing, she helped me frame it in the context of a fallow field. Traditionally, farmers know that you don't want to completely deplete the land by planting the same crop over and over in the same place. Often, they will let a field lie fallow or plant something that will help replenish the land rather than produce a marketable crop. In this way, they help promote future growth. So, I have taken the attitude that my writing and creative "fields" have lain fallow and with the impending approach of spring, they are getting ready to produce!
Looking back over the past year, I have ended one private practice relationship and begun another. I have returned to Haight Ashbury Psychological Services to continue work as a volunteer and to support an organization and a cause that is important to me. I decided to fully engage in working within the alternative lifestyles communities and to orient my teaching and writing efforts in that direction. I spent the longest time for me to date at Burning Man and embraced a new professional role there. While at Burning Man, I did my first radio show since my undergraduate days appearing as a guest on Cunning Minx's Poly Weekly talking about applying the Burning Man Ten Principles to love, sex, intimacy, and polyamory. I am nearly done with a year-long training in Internal Family Systems therapy and this has helped to refine how I think about therapy and healing.
In the coming year, I plan to complete my 3000 practicum hours and submit them to the Board of Behavioral Sciences, the next step I need to take toward licensure. I am pitching two sessions to the Open SF open relationship conference happening in June. I plan to continue to teach other therapists about working with clients in open relationship as well as seek out new topics that I can teach in the community. I will complete my level one training in Internal Family Systems as well as in the Gottman Couples Therapy.
As I progress in the vocation of being a therapist, I am reminded that is not a 9 to 5, Monday to Friday job that is easily put down. One of the reasons that I became a therapist (and I hear this is as a common theme from other therapists) is the combination of empathy, listening ability, and desire to help others that has grown within me over the course of my life. A lot of therapists are natural care-givers and we sometimes need to be reminded that means also practice good self-care. What better way to model self-care for clients than to take care of yourself? Though it may not be obvious to clients, good eating and sleep hygiene; good personal boundaries; dealing with my own stuff in supervision, consultation, therapy, or through good relationships; and ongoing self evaluation and self improvement all lead to me being a better person and a better therapist.
I encourage people to celebrate their achievements and let go of the things that have gone less well for them. If you open space for yourself for future growth you will be better able to engage opportunities as they arise. In this transitional time, I remind readers of the idea of honorable closure to help you deal with the changes that have happened in your lives. I was introduced to the concept by University of San Francisco instructor Nancy Feehan and I have found it useful for myself and for clients:
For changes that have happened in your life, consider the following four things in relation to the change:
1. For what can I have gratitude?
2. What challenges did I face?
3. What were the lasting impacts on me?
4. For what might there need to be forgiveness or a making of amends?
By framing changes in our lives--be they relationships, jobs, deaths, births--in this way, we can better find balance in our approach to many things. Engaging in this with deliberate action, whether you call it a resolution, an intention, an agenda, or whatever works for you, can help you shape the changes and transitions you have encountered and will encounter in your life. In this way, you can move more toward being proactive rather than reactive.
I bid you a happy and productive 2012!

Choosing a therapist

Thu, 6 Oct 2011 10:53:35 -0700

It's great to be back from Burning Man and I am settling back into my routine in San Francisco. Burning Man's San Francisco Decompression is coming up this weekend and that, in its own way, is the end of the Burning Man season for a lot of people though things happen all year round. I had a wonderful time with Cunning Minx talking about the Burning Man 10 Principles and how they relate to poly and intimacy. I also had some great conversations with people about what I do and one question that came up a few times was "How do I pick a therapist?"
There is no simple answer to this question. I am taking the point of view that you are entering into therapy of your own volition and you have something you want to address. This could be anxiety or depression, opening up your partnership or realizing that an open partnership is not working for you, challenges with a phase of life (new job, finishing school, having a child, not having a child, deciding whether or not to stay in a relationship), or even that most basic of questions, "Who AM I?"
In choosing a therapist, there are a number of factors to consider, including cost, theoretical orientation, suitability to your issue, and location/availability to mention just a few. I want to cover at least these factors in exploring this issue. Remember that you can shop for a therapist. You don't have to stay with the first one you see and it may take seeing several before you find a fit that works for you.
Some therapists will offer an introductory session for free or may offer a package of a few sessions for a lower cost. You may know from the first session that the fit works or doesn't work or it may take a few sessions. If you utilize the internet to research therapists before you see them you may be able to find therapists that have an appealing theoretical orientation or skill set with your issue.
Some potential clients may start by using the list of therapists that their insurance covers and this can be very cost effective. I've known people to find excellent therapists this way and many therapists who are on insurance panels also have their own web sites or internet listings. Many therapists are not on insurance panels though they can provide statements for your to submit to your insurance company. It may be valuable to do research beforehand if you are seeking out therapists that do this and we have found it is most effective for you to talk to your provider to get this information because policies change and providers generally want to talk to their subscribers.
Another way to manage cost is to seek out low fee sliding scale clinics. Some examples in the Bay Area include Haight Ashbury Psychological Services, the counseling centers at the California Institute of Integral Studies, and the community clinics at the Wright Institute in Berkeley. These resources are usually staffed by pre-licensed therapists supervised by an experienced therapist trained in supervision. You will usually pay a lower fee based on your income and expenses and there will generally be a maximum fee that is lower that you might pay for a private practice therapist. In this setting, you will likely have a free or low fee intake session to make sure the clinic is the best resource for you. If not, you will receive referrals to settings that may be better able to help you.
If the setting is right for you, you will be assigned a therapist. Once again, you can have a few sessions with this therapist to make sure the fit works and if not you may have the option of trying a new therapist. You will likely be given the option to state preferences in a therapist--theoretical orientation, age, gender, for example--though the clinic may not be able to meet all of your preferences. It may be important to be flexible and only state those preferences that are absolutely necessary for your comfort in a therapeutic setting.
Similar to the above, you can seek out a private practice intern or psychological assistant. The former is a Master level graduate and the latter a Doctoral level graduate and each are pre-licensed and working under the supervision of another therapist. This is my situation here with Dossie. Though I have five years experience doing therapy in variety of settings, the licensing process is both long and thorough and requires supervision throughout. Often, supervised therapists will offer a lower fee and the client can benefit from the expertise of the supervising therapist. This can be valuable when the supervising therapist has a full caseload and may not currently be taking on new clients. You may have the option of being on a waiting list or seeing the intern/assistant therapist.
Depending on your issue or preference, theoretical orientation may be important. Some clients may not care as long as the therapy works for them. Other clients may not know the difference between a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist and a Pyschodynamic therapist. Other clients may seek out a particular kind of therapist and have a strong preference, for example, to see a Jungian Analyst or an ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) practitioner. Once again, searching on the internet can help narrow down your list if you have a specific kind of therapist in mind.
Regardless of theoretical orientation, you may also want to make sure that the particular therapist that you choose has experience and competency with the issue you seek to address. Most therapists are experienced with depression and anxiety, two common presenting issues, and can work with them from their theoretical orientation and therapeutic style. Other issues may call for a more specifically experienced therapist. I see general clients for anxiety, depression and other presenting problems, and I have specific knowledge and experience with clients in (or interested in) alternative lifestyles as well as working with clients using sand tray. Some therapists specialize in trauma recovery, some in drug or alcohol recovery or harm reduction. Though our license qualifies us to do so, some of use have less experience with couples or with children or families while others specialize in these types of clients. While any therapist may be able to help you with your issue, finding one with specific experience may be valuable in addressing your issue more directly. Likewise, if you are in need of specific psychological testing, that may require a specialist trained in administering and scoring the test.
Lastly, I want to touch upon availability and location. I happen to live in a city where there are a lot of therapists and a lot of choice. You may not have this level of choice. If you live in a small town, does it make sense to go to the next town to see a therapist if you know the local therapist? Is it possible to do therapy on the phone or through a video chatting service like Skype? There are many resources to help you find therapists in your area, including the alternative lifestyles ones I list on my About Therapy page as well as the American Psychological Association Psychologist Locator site.
As I note above, these are not the only factors to consider however they are the ones that come up most often when I talk to people about choosing a new therapist. How do I find that most people I know find therapists? Word of mouth and recommendations. Your best resource, if you are comfortable, may be to ask friends and family members who you know have been in therapy or know therapists. They may recommend a therapist or a therapist may have some trusted referrals to provide for you.

BMIR episode of Poly Weekly

Tue, 27 Sep 2011 12:52:38 -0700

Check out episode 287 of Poly Weekly featuring my discussion with Cunning Minx of the Ten Principles as applied to poly at Burning Man.
Coming up, tips on choosing a therapist.

Connecting in the Dust

Wed, 17 Aug 2011 16:33:10 -0700

A Consideration of Sex, Love, and Intimacy at  Burning Man (and in Life)
People who hear that I attend Burning Man often ask me, “What is Burning Man?” In the end, Burning Man is what it is for each individual—a big art show, an intentional community, an 8-day-long rave, a rite of passage—and, in the end, each participant creates the experience for themselves and for others. One thing that Burning Man is for me is a chance to connect with new people. The concentration of people that come together for 8 days in the Black Rock Desert presents a unique opportunity to make lasting connections that span the world.
Some have wondered how to bring the Burning Man experience home for the other 51 weeks of the year. I was recently thinking about this and I realized that the Ten Principles that frame Burning Man are a great lens through which to view connection, including sex, love, and intimacy. They provide one framework from which to approach life. These principles can shape not only Burning Man but also our everyday lives.
Below I have listed the Burning Man Ten Principles in bold and I have included The Burning Man Project’s explanation of each principle. After each, in italic, I have included my interpretation of each principle in light of connection, sex, love, and intimacy on and off of the playa. At the end, I have added a few anecdotes that I believe illustrate using the Ten Principles with interpersonal connections.
Ten Principles
Radical Inclusion
Anyone may be a part of Burning Man. We welcome and respect the stranger. No prerequisites exist for participation in our community.
Let go of stereotypes and preferences, be open to the opportunities presented to you. Rather than excluding or including people categorically, see people as individuals.
Gifting
Burning Man is devoted to acts of gift giving. The value of a gift is unconditional. Gifting does not contemplate a return or an exchange for something of equal value.
Let go of currency in your interactions. Rather than thinking, “What is in this for me?” give of yourself freely and without condition where possible. Accept what others give without condition as well.
Decommodification
In order to preserve the spirit of gifting, our community seeks to create social environments that are unmediated by commercial sponsorships, transactions, or advertising. We stand ready to protect our culture from such exploitation. We resist the substitution of consumption for participatory experience.
Look at yourself and consider the questions, “How do I identify myself?” and “How do others identify me?” and “How do I identify others?” Keeping these labels in mind, consider letting go of the roles and labels to which you may tightly cling. See people for who they are.
Radical Self-reliance
Burning Man encourages the individual to discover, exercise and rely on his or her inner resources.
Be prepared! Even if you doubt you will be intimate, if there is there is any chance, have the proper supplies. Prepare yourself mentally: Is this an exercise in saying, “No, thank you . . .” or “Yes, and I would like . . .” What are your self-care practices? If things go badly or go well, who will you tell? Who (or what) comprises your support system?
Radical Self-expression
Radical self-expression arises from the unique gifts of the individual. No one other than the individual or a collaborating group can determine its content. It is offered as a gift to others. In this spirit, the giver should respect the rights and liberties of the recipient.
Look inside of yourself and consider, “What part of me would I like to express?” Are there ways you can stretch your comfort zones and boundaries while also being respectful of the comfort zones and boundaries of others?
Communal Effort
Our community values creative cooperation and collaboration. We strive to produce, promote and protect social networks, public spaces, works of art, and methods of communication that support such interaction.
Consider how you can reach out to your community in a way that feels safe and comfortable for you. Perhaps this is eye contact or saying “hello” or smiling or offering a gift or service that makes a connection. Likewise, be mindful of those who reach out to you. They may be challenged in connecting with you. Consider how you respond to them.
Civic Responsibility
We value civil society. Community members who organize events should assume responsibility for public welfare and endeavor to communicate civic responsibilities to participants. They must also assume responsibility for conducting events in accordance with local, state and federal laws.
Consider your own boundaries and know the conventions of the communities in which you operate. While promoting radical self-expression, also recognize the limits and boundaries of others. What impact does your behavior have on others and is that impact consensual?
Leaving No Trace
Our community respects the environment. We are committed to leaving no physical trace of our activities wherever we gather. We clean up after ourselves and endeavor, whenever possible, to leave such places in a better state than when we found them.
Consider your impact on the social and emotional environments as well as physical environment. Everyone has emotional baggage that can be positive or negative. If you take it with you, bring it home. You may also be able to let your baggage go, though don’t litter, physically or emotionally! Are there experiences that you can reclaim or recycle? Be mindful of picking up the burdens of others as well as passing on your burdens.
Participation
Our community is committed to a radically participatory ethic. We believe that transformative change, whether in the individual or in society, can occur only through the medium of deeply personal participation. We achieve being through doing. Everyone is invited to work. Everyone is invited to play. We make the world real through actions that open the heart.
Consider your role in events. How do you add to the experience? Be open to trying new things with an open heart and mind yet also be mindful your own capabilities, boundaries, and limits.
Immediacy
Immediate experience is, in many ways, the most important touchstone of value in our culture. We seek to overcome barriers that stand between us and a recognition of our inner selves, the reality of those around us, participation in society, and contact with a natural world exceeding human powers. No idea can substitute for this experience.
Consider being in the moment. Much depression comes from dwelling on the past that we can’t change, much anxiety comes from worrying about the future we can’t control. Being in the present moment offers us the chance to participate fully, to see opportunities as they arise.
Last year, my act of gifting at Burning Man was to be the Playa Wish Fairy. I offered to hear the wishes of participants or to witness the participant making the wish even if it was not stated out loud. I promised to do my best to fulfill the wishes though I could not make a guarantee. For the unstated wishes, I promised to consider them and hope for their fulfillment. Some of the stated wishes were for objects—a patch, a button, a cold drink—and some were for service: “Can you find out if so-and-so is available?” “I’d like a massage!” “What’s my future concerning this event that is important to me?” These I tried to personally fulfill or find others to fulfill them.
In the end, my goal was to facilitate participants stating their wishes, whether it was to me or to themselves. In a lot of cases, participants ended up fulfilling their wishes on their own. Once they had stated the wish, it was easier to go out and get or do the thing for which they had wished. The other message was that it is OK to have wants and needs and it can be great to have them witnessed.
This was also an opportunity for me to connect with strangers, something that I find to be a challenge. By creating a context I found it easier to overcome what some might call shyness and others might call avoiding risk by not opening myself to others. In this way being the Wish Fairy has been a gift to others and a gift to myself.
Another example of connection using the Ten Principles involved an annual event I attend with a large group of friends and friends-of-friends. It’s a group of people of varied talents and backgrounds, some of whom can come across as intimidating and, it turns out, unintentionally so. The last time I attended this event, I had the idea to make some buttons that said, “I might be shy! Approach me!” I left the buttons out on a table with a brief explanation and they were a big hit. I saw many people wearing them throughout the event.
What struck me, though, was that I saw a lot of the people that I experienced as confident, outgoing, and maybe even intimidating wearing the buttons. The consequence of the buttons was not so much that the shy people were approached by the less shy people. Rather, the buttons leveled the playing field by naming the nearly universal experience of people being shy or being risk-averse. One person reported to me that wearing the button helped her. Since the button made clear that she might be shy, she found it easier to reach out to others where she might not have in the past.
I believe that the examples of the Wish Fairy and the buttons encompass some of the Burning Man Ten Principles (gifting, radical inclusion, immediacy, and participation, for example)and demonstrate how they can be kept in mind when connecting. The themes that jump out for me in connecting with others are context and commonality. The persona of the Wish Fairy and the gift of the buttons both create a context for connection, some common ground over which to connect. We sometimes seek out those who have traits that we like and traits to which we aspire though it may take a bridge to make the initial connection. Once we cross the bridge, we have the chance to explore more deeply.

Thoughts about feelings, peeing, & parts

Thu, 4 Aug 2011 19:53:44 -0700

I want to circle back and touch upon a few things that I have referenced in previous posts as well as share some things that have been helpful for me lately both in my own communication and work as a clinician. I have realized that practicing what I teach is important and that it goes both ways--I can leverage things that have helped me and others around me with clients and I can learn from how clients change and improve to help others.
I feel like . . . / I feel that . . . Though each of these use the word "feel" neither expresses a feeling. You can add "I feel as though" and "I feel as if" and in all four cases it is important to realize that whenever someone says these things, they are expressing a thought or a belief and not a feeling. The word feel should be followed by a feeling word. (OK, grammarians, you can insert an adjective between feel and the feeling word, but you can't insert like, that, as though, or as if.) Listen to these: "I feel like sad" or "I feel as though I am angry" or "I feel as if you are being unreasonable". These range from not making much sense to really confusing feelings and thoughts. There are many sources of feeling words that appeal to different learning and communication styles, including lists by category and colorful feelings wheels as this quick google search demonstrates.
The danger of the third example above is that it is belief cloaked in the trappings of a feeling. The speaker of this statement may think that they are stating a feeling when they are stating a belief. Another way to say this that includes a feeling is "I feel frustrated when I experience my opinion not being heard." This both expresses a feeling and makes it about the speaker's experience rather than putting it onto the other person. I have found myself paying attention to these in my everyday experience as well as with clients. I can fairly easily translate these "feeling" statements into "thinking" statements and then I can check in with the speaker to see what their intentions were with their statement.
It's important to pee, cry, or sweat . . . When we have emotional experiences and feel our feelings, very often, we also experience physiological effects in our bodies. Now, I am not a biochemist, though I know enough to say that body chemicals can get released, heart rate can increase, skin can flush, tummies can get upset, and so on and so forth. These chemicals can lead to important results for us--if we are in danger, we want to know we are in danger, we want to run fast, and quickly find a safe place to hide. And once we are out of danger, we want to go back to our homeostatic state. (I say "homeostatic " because I believe "normal" is a myth and I want to be precise.) And once our bodies don't need the extra chemicals anymore, they are filtered out of the blood by our kidneys and need to be excreted. To that end, it is important to have release after emotional experiences. In my understanding, this can come about through peeing, crying, or sweating. If we don't do this, the excess chemicals stay in the body when they are not needed and that's not useful.
Both this pearl of wisdom and the above information about thoughts and feelings were crystalized for me by Nancy Feehan, M.A., MFT, Adjunct Professor in USF's Counseling Psychology program during didactic trainings given at HAPS. While these are likely not things she discovered herself, her manner of conveying them helped them stick for me. Her intention was for us, as clinicians, to take care of ourselves between sessions and taking a brief walk, even just to the restroom, and being able to literally and figuratively release will help us continue to be effective clinicians. I have applied this wisdom to crying. Framing crying as release helps some people accept that crying can be a normal, healthy reaction to a situation.
Our bodies and minds have good intentions for us . . . I am one third of the way through a year long training in Internal Family Systems and one of the pearls of wisdom that I have taken away from it already is that our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors have good intentions for us. Some of these things may be expressed in potentially destructive ways, however, the intent is usually positive. What am I talking about? Our Manager parts (they do pretty much what they sound like they do) want to help us do well, keep in control, and not stand out in negative ways. One of the stronger and more common Manager parts is the Critic. On the one hand, our Critics can be harsh task masters, bringing our self esteem and our self worth into question. On the other hand, that critic may have the intention to save us from embarrassment, from the perception of failure, and from the pain of rejection. Likewise, our Firefighter parts (who act out on our behalf), by using drugs or alcohol, by expressing rage in destructive ways, or even by engage in self harming or suicidal behaviors, may intend to protect us by numbing out or by helping us feel if we are already numbed out. The managers and fire fighters acts as protectors for the Exiles, the often wounded and vulnerable parts of us that often linger in the background.
A few things come to mind in this framework. First, is the idea that the protectors act on our behalf with good intentions. This helps understand these behaviors even though they may be destructive or harmful. We don't want to encourage or condone some destructive behaviors though we also don't want to stigmatize the behaviors either. By seeing their good intentions, we can then have compassion for that part of us and that part's behaviors. Speaking of parts, using the IFS framework of Exiles, Managers, and Firefighters allows for the possibility that none of these parts represents the whole of the individual. IFS presumes that we also have an independent, capable, and observing Self that can mediate the parts yet also comprises the sum of the parts. While it is possible to become blended with a part so that it is difficult to distinguish between Self and the part, the goal of IFS is to help the Self have the parts step back and have Self in control.
The above thoughts are pearls of wisdom for me, as I have noted. And I don't think any of them are new or even profound though I realize that having them presented in a way that I can internalize them and assimilate them has been important. I think what happens for me sometimes is that I understand something intuitively and someone like Nancy Feehan or Dick Schwartz (the discoverer of Internal Family Systems) comes along and helps me fix that information in my experience. I hope, in turn, that I can do that for my clients, provide the experience that helps fix the pearls of wisdom that they discover in their Psyches.

In Fidelity, the Grey Lady, & Stephen Colbert

Tue, 19 Jul 2011 21:05:07 -0700

As I was writing my last post, listening to Minx's podcast, and watching the Weiner scandal wind down, there came a long article in the New York Times magazine on July 3rd titled "Married, with Infidelity" by Mark Oppenheimer. One of my readers, after my last post, noted that she wanted more, that I had just scratched the surface. I think Oppenheimer's articles goes deep and broad in a balanced fashion and it is worth a read.
The majority of the article focuses on long-time advice columnist and creator (with his partner) of the "It Gets Better" project Dan Savage. Savage also appeared on a recent episode of Comedy Central's Colbert Report to discuss the article. Oppenheimer presents some supporting and contrasting views though, in the end, he asks the question: "it gets better?" And replies that "it does. But it also gets very complicated. Savage is not arguing “let Arnold be Arnold.” He is imploring us to know the people we marry and to know ourselves and to plan accordingly."
For me, this is one of the most salient points that the article makes. Some marriage counseling or preparation for marriage does not take into account the myriad things that can come up in any relationship. Oppenheimer writes that "Savage believes monogamy is right for many couples. But he believes that our discourse about it, and about sexuality more generally, is dishonest. Some people need more than one partner, he writes, just as some people need flirting, others need to be whipped, others need lovers of both sexes. We can’t help our urges, and we should not lie to our partners about them. In some marriages, talking honestly about our needs will forestall or obviate affairs; in other marriages, the conversation may lead to an affair, but with permission. In both cases, honesty is the best policy."
I don't think Savage is making the argument that we should act on all of our urges, rather, that we are better off when we can safely talk about them. In some cases, as he notes, this may help avoid an illicit affair or may open up exploring whatever the urge may be with a current partner. Not talking about things, lack of information or communication, these can make things more complicated. There is a delicate balance between honesty and integrity. Is it "honest" to do or say something that you don't truly believe in doing or saying, just to please your partner? I don't believe so, and this is being "honest" without integrity and respect for yourself.
A contrasting view is presented by Janice Abrahms Spring, psychologist and author of After the Affair. Oppenheimer writes "Spring is inclined to a pessimism as strong as Savage’s optimism — after all, she works with couples who have ended up in counseling — but she offers a persuasive reminder that there may be no such thing as total honesty. Even when we think we are enthusiastically assenting to a partner’s request, we may not know ourselves as well as we think we do."
This is a significant concern; it is safe to say "no" or "I'm not interested" yet also be able to hear your partner? And, is it comfortable to express an urge, have it heard, yet also not act upon it? There are times that our instincts are to help or fix or change when, in the end, all the partner wants us to do is listen and witness.
At its root, infidelity implies a lack of truth, a lack of honesty. One may extend this to also include a lack of faith. It can take a lot to trust someone yet this trust is one of our basic developmental needs, intrinsic in our ability to be individuals in society. What this article suggests--with which I concur--is to strive to achieve open and honest communication between and among partners. What is perceived as infidelity (having an intimate connection outside your partnership) may in fact be the ultimate in fidelity if it stems from couples having a dialogue about their wants and needs. This may lessen the desire or need to deceive.
The other takeaway for me from the article is that it is rather balanced and it takes into the account biases of the various sources cited. It neither promotes open relationships or infidelity as the answer to marital problems nor holds up monogamy as the solitary standard for successful relationships. I find the article thought-provoking and articulate. In skimming the 580-plus comments, it demonstrates to me that the article has also promoted dialogue on the topic. One comment, though, noted the reductive quality of a lot of the comments, picking one element and having it represent the entire article. Another commenter, NS, from Columbus, OH, notes:
"It bothers me that people are reading this article as an attack on their values, but it is also telling that they are doing so. Reacting so defensively to a benign proposition suggests that they either failed to actually read the article, or are, to paraphrase Shakespeare, protesting too much as they sense a kernel of truth in what Savage is saying."
This brings up the "motivated reasoning" concept I have written about previously. Is it possible to read this article objectively if you read it in the context of a strongly held position? My reading of this article does not pick up on an attack on monogamy nor do I think it promotes infidelity though I find many of the comments do reflect a desire to defend long term monogamous relationships as a viable lifestyle or to expand on the often profoundly negative effects of infidelity. The language in the article, particularly the use of the word infidelity, is provocative. It reminds me of Dossie's reclaiming of the word "slut" in order to dissipate the negative connotations it carries while also realizing that the word is likely to provoke reactions in some people.
When it comes down to it, what Savage and his partner are doing is not infidelity if you define infidelity as an illicit affair done without the knowledge of your partner nor is it "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" since they are aware of what each other is doing. Savage covers this in his Colbert Report interview in a jaw-dropping manner.
I've struggled some with what I wanted to say in this post. What I realized after sitting with it is that the dialogue is important. Infidelity exists, open relationships exist. There are many factors that impact our relationships and what is most important for me is creating the space for ongoing, open, honest, and safe dialogue about these things. It's great if monogamy works for you, it's great if open relationships work for you. In both cases, be prepared to discuss and explore how intimacy works for you. That's the work of many successful relationships.
I am testing a commenting scheme and a new typeface, feedback is appreciated.

Everybody’s a little bit poly . . .

Tue, 5 Jul 2011 09:55:13 -0700

I was considering what to write about this week and a few things came to mind--the Archetype of the Male therapist that Dossie and I have been exploring, my impressions of Internal Family Systems training so far, something about shopping for therapists, and the interesting idea of time dilation. These are all topics that I would like to explore though in the end I was inspired by two recent things in my life: the first was presenting a well-received training at HAPS on "Understanding Open Relationships in a Clinical Context" and the second was listening to the recent Poly Weekly podcast “The Joys of Sexting” with Cunning Minx.
Two of the things that I liked from my presentation are the idea that everyone is a little bit poly and that I helped introduce some of the language, both old and new, that has sprung up around open relationships. And listening to Cunning Minx helped crystalize some thoughts for me that I would like to share. If you have not had a chance, her easygoing style and willingness to engage all sorts of topics is refreshing. It can be a good listen for all, not just those interested in talking and hearing about open relationships.
"What's that you say, Joe?! Everyone is poly! No, not me, I could never be poly, I am too jealous, I get everything I need from the one person in my life!" No, that's not what I mean. What I mean is that everyone is a little poly-amorous. (Yes, polyamory is, to some people, a clunky word bringing together of a Greek term and a Latin term.) Everyone is capable of loving many people, many things, and many activites. No, I am not implying that open relationships are for everyone. What I am implying that there are challenges (and benefits) in open relationships that can be compared to challenges (and benefits) in all relationships.
Consider this as an example: your partner is a performer, say, a ballet dancer. This activity takes time, energy, passion, maybe travel, maybe money. There are times that you may be jealous, envious (I see them as different, by the way!), lonely, frustrated as well as happy, supportive, excited, and energized. Likewise, if you partner runs a business, the business may compete for some of those same resources of time, energy, and passion.
I think it is easy to draw a comparison between these two situations and being in a open relationship. Granted, as I have said before, there is no one "open relationship" to which to compare. I am generalizing, using an example of being in a stable dyad with one or the other or both people having someone intimate in their life outside of that dyad. Having another person in your life can consume a lot of the same things.
When I asked how the above were different, one participant in the training noted that, in the open relationship, it is possible that some of the same wants and needs may end up being met by more than one person where this is less the case with the ballet dancer or the business owner. This can be an asset and a challenge. If your partner is working or going to school in another city and has a local person, they may have someone close by to help them through times when the going gets rough. And, this idea may be threatening to the far away partner. To this, I can add that the open relationship often involves emotional or physical intimacy and that can be a challenging aspect that may not come up in the other examples.
One of the links between this and the Poly Weekly podcast is that Minx's topic this week had to do with whether or not "sexting" is cheating. Likewise, she wondered if flirting, viewing porn, or other sexually oriented activities may or may not be considered cheating. I also thought about the idea that, in serial monogamy, the next partner is frequently chosen before the previous partner is gone. While, in theory, monogamous, there is often overlap which implies that the person changing partners was looking. Things brings up the issue of boundaries and where energy goes as well as what do people choose to hide or reveal.
These add a level of nuance and complication to relationships, open or closed, and raise a lot of questions: How do you set your boundaries? What is OK and what is not OK? What do you choose to reveal and choose to hide and for what reasons? Where and how do you spend your energy, whether it is with activities or with people? Are some of the activities or people present to help distract you from something that is going on in your life? Are they distracting you and you don't know it? I believe most people are capable of becoming whelmed or overwhelmed by these things and I believe most people are capable of creating and maintaining boundaries with activities and with people.
The second connection was about language. I introduced some open relationship language in my training and Cunning Minx uses the same language in her podcasts. Two of my favorite terms in the open relationship community are compersion and metamour.
I like Wikipedia's definition of compersion as the "state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individual's current or former romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest. This can be experienced as any form of erotic or emotional empathy, depending on the person experiencing the emotion." A metamour is that other person; your partner's other person is your metamour. I love to see language evolve and grow to address different concepts.
What terms have you heard that are new to you or are juicy and exciting that relate to relationships generally and open relationships specifically?

The Archetype of the Therapist

Tue, 21 Jun 2011 19:32:23 -0700

Dossie and I have been talking about the idea of the archetype of the Male Therapist, so the New York Times article I wrote about last time was quite timely. In pondering the archetype of the Male Therapist, I realized that addressing the archetype of the Therapist is a good place to start. I'd like to share some thoughts from readings I have used to help shape my archetype of the Therapist. In future posts, I will take on the archetype of the Male Therapist.
First, though, let's consider what may be a question from some readers: "What is an archetype?" According to A Critical Dictionary of Jungian Analysis, an archetype is "the inherited part of the psyche; structural patterns of psychological performance linked to instinct; a hypothetical entity irrepresentable in itself and evident only through its manifestations." Well, that cleared things up. However, the definition goes on to say that "archetypes are recognizable in outer behaviors, especially those that cluster around the basic and universal experiences of life such as birth, marriage, motherhood, death, and separation. . . . Theoretically, there could be any number of archetypes." OK, now we are getting less obfuscated.
In my understanding, archetypes are patterns that are somewhat universal that help define and describe behaviors, traits, and other emotional content. No one is the archetype, many people can be shaped by the archetype. One analogy I was given when learning about archetypes had to do with the Play-doh sets. One set has a machine onto which you could put a template--shapes, for example. You then put Play-doh into the machine, turn the handle, and voila, a stream of Play-doh would emerge in the shape of the template. The template has less meaning without the action of forcing the Play-doh through it. And depending on the color and texture of the Play-doh and how old or how new the Play-doh may be, the shape that emerges will be like the template, though subtly different and nuanced. This is a simplified definition, not even mentioning the collective unconscious, inflation, and other concepts relevant to archetypes. For this discussion, I think this explanation suffices. Feel free to challenge this definition and analogy! (My motto personal motto, attributed to Michaelangelo, is Ancora Imparo, "I am still learning.") When indicating archetypes in this post, I will capitalize the word I am using, like Therapist.
Taking this into account, here's my take on the archetype of the Therapist. I take this from my experience of being a therapist plus readings I have done in and out of graduate school. Two of the most influential readings have been the transcript of a lecture given by Edward Edinger, MD, in 1996 called "The Vocation of Depth Psychotherapy" and Psychotherapy Grounded in the Feminine Principle written by Jungian Analyst Barbara Stevens Sullivan, MSW.
Edinger describes depth psychotherapy as "a science and an art, both a theory and a practice. As a science, it is a body of empirical knowledge that is structured by intellectual concepts that apply to the psyche in general. As an art, it is a practical one-to-one engagement with a single individual, with the goal of affecting that person's life and development." He goes on to examine depth psychotherapy in terms of three underlying archetypes: Physician/Healer, Philospher/Scientist, Priest/Hierophant with the corresponding goals of reaching a cure, finding knowledge, and finding redemption through the methods of treatment, dialogue, and revelation. As depth psychotherapists, he argues, we are not any of these things, per se, but something new that takes into account all of these things. This is a function of both training and of how depth psychotherapists work.
Edinger describes these three in some depth and I want to summarize what I take away from his discussion. Often, clients come to us in some sort of distress from which they want relief. As a therapist, I may first engage them in a healing mode, seeking to identify symptoms and help clients help themselves move to a less distressed state. In the course of doing that, I may provide knowledge and discover knowledge within the client that promotes understanding. With successful work, there is often some sort of revelation or “Eureka!" moment for the client that can indicate a shift within them. Edinger also warns of the dangers of working this way, in private, with the responsibility that we therapists have done our own work so that they can be fully present for the client.
Sullivan's book is very much grounded in the archetypal nature of depth psychotherapy, noting that "the therapist tries to understand, first and foremost, where the patient's life force is heading. In what direction are her native energies trying to move her? In what direction are they pushing the analytic work?" (I plan to discuss her treatment of masculine and feminine energy and the dynamic and static components of each in a future post as this is germane to my understanding of how I work as a therapist.) She also states that "therapy is successful not when it ends in a cure but when it leaves the patient able to continue to growing on his own, when he has learned how to work with his inner pain in vital and satisfying ways."
My archetype of the Therapist contains elements from Edinger and from Sullivan and from me, Joe. In the nuanced nature of the archetype of the Therapist, I find Edinger's Healer, Philosopher, and Priest. I find what I believe are a Facilitator, a Mediator, and perhaps a Midwife that I draw from Sullivan. My work with Self Psychology has helped me realize that I am a Mirror, an Adversary, and an Advocate. I recognize that my archetype of the Therapist is from the point of view of depth psychology. I imagine the archetype of a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist or a Family Systems Therapist is going to look different. I take the archetypes that go into my archetype of the Therapist from the collective unconscious and I offer up my archetype to the collective unconscious for others to draw upon.

Everybody’s got mixed feelings . . .

Fri, 17 Jun 2011 09:49:01 -0700

A few people have pointed me to a recent article in The New York Times, "Need Therapy? A Good Man is Hard to Find". Much of what the article says resonates, mostly.
I want to preface this discussion by stating that I am approaching this topic from the point of view of a cis-gendered male therapist who has mainly dealt (to the best of my knowledge) with cis-gendered male and female therapists. (For those new to the prefix “cis-“, it refers to people whose chromosomes at birth--XY for me--match their gender role--male for me. It is a counter term to “trans-“ with respect to gender. I have more to write about this topic in a future post.) It’s not that I want to exclude transgender therapists, I just don’t know enough to speak to that experience. I am working from the point of view of this article, my own experience, and the shared experience of my peers.
In my cohort at Pacifica, we started with 8 men and finished with 6 after two years versus 3 to 4 times as many women in the cohort. At the clinic where I have volunteered, over the course of 4 years, the ratio of men to women has ranged from 20 to 40 percent of the group.
According to the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, 78 percent of respondents to their annual survey in 2010 were female with an average age of 56. This is a 10 percent increase in the last 20 years and a twelve-year age increase over the same period of time. (Also worth noting is that there are more therapists over 65 than there are under 35.) Now, only 16 percent of potential respondent did in fact respond. So, does this mean that there are more female therapists or that female therapists are more likely to respond to surveys? Perhaps both. However, their numbers of female therapists line up with my experience.
I would love to agree with the closing sentence of the article. I don't know if it is true for me and other male therapists I know. Ryan McKelley, a psychologist at the University of Wisconsin states: "Now I tell my male students, if you’re interested in clinical care, you can write your own ticket. You’ll be hired immediately.” Granted, I am not working in a hospital or institutional setting, however, my experience has been when potential clients state a gender preference for their therapist, more often than not, it is for a female therapist. In talking with Dossie about this recently, she noted a survey that I had heard about before though for which I don’t have an attribution. I paraphrase: Regardless with whom people partner (women with men, women with women, men with men), they end up wanting to talk to a woman about their emotional issues.
I have found that I have often been the first male therapist with whom some clients work. This has both been a circumstance of me being available at the clinic when the client enters treatment and been a specific referral because the client wanted to work with a male therapist (or the previous therapist recommended it). This is far rarer than hearing that a client wants to work with a woman, though.
The history of psychotherapy presents us with mixed attitudes towards women. If you consider Freud and Jung as the promulgators of modern psychotherapy, both had their female followers and supporters. Anne Freud, Karen Horney, Emma Jung, Toni Wolff, Marie Louise con Franz to name a scant well known few. I know less about Freud, though in reading Deirdre Bair's Jung: A Biography, it is interesting to note that Jung would generally require his male followers to be doctors before he would consider training them as analysts though he made no such requirements of his female followers. Granted, this may involve the higher bar of entry for female doctors at the time, though the there were some female doctor analysts as well. Sometimes he would refer patients to analysts of the opposite gender, believing that it was important to have the animus or anima of the analyst line up with the gender of the analysand. After that fashion, men would tend to see woman analysts and vice versa.
Can a client benefit from seeing a therapist of the same gender? Yes. Can a client benefit from seeing a therapist of a different gender? Also yes. When it comes down to it, I believe that the match between a particular therapist and a particular client is what is most important.
What can be valuable, though, is first experiencing therapy in as a safe environment and that may mean seeing a therapist of a specific gender, be it the same or different than the client. However, there may also be a value in seeing a therapist different in gender than you might normally see. If a client has a level of discomfort with a particular gender, exploring intimate topics with a therapist of that gender may help address those difficulties.
And it is true that men and women have different formative and developmental experiences. And it can be valuable to have those experiences reflected by people of both genders. I used to be more inclined to say that I could not work with a client with a particular experience unfamiliar to me because I could not myself relate to that experience. However, I have come realize that value of having all experiences reflected back in a thoughtful, meaningful, and hopefully thought provoking way. Am I implying that every therapist can work with every client? No. However, I do think that a lot of clients can work with a lot of different therapists.
I am challenged by this paragraph: “The impact of this gender switch on the value of therapy is negligible, studies suggest. A good therapist is a good therapist, male or female, and a mediocre one is a mediocre one. Shared experience may even be an impediment, in some cases: therapists often caution students against assuming that they have special insight into person’s problems just because they have something in common.” I think it may be too extreme a statement. And too general a statement. Taking into account what I wrote above, I do believe shared experience, used with caution, can help inform a therapist and I do think that gender can matter in therapy.
Arrgh. Clearly, it can be complicated. I don’t know that I have answered any questions for myself other than “Is this a valuable discussion?” To complete the quote in my title:
Everybody’s got mixed feelings About the function and the form Everybody’s got to deviate from the norm. --Rush, “Vital Signs”
Coming soon, more reflections on gender and gender roles in therapy.